Healing from the Past: Coping Skills for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Sep 18

Growing up with emotionally immature parents often means your emotional needs were unmet—not because you were unworthy of love, but because your caregivers lacked the capacity to give it. As a result, you may carry deep emotional confusion, self-doubt, or a feeling of being “too much” or “not enough.”

As a therapist, I work with many adult clients who are only now beginning to untangle how their childhood shaped their inner world. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone—and more importantly, you’re not broken.

In this post, we’ll explore:

The concept of emotional immaturity in parents
The four types of emotionally immature parents (from Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s work)
The healing fantasy many adult children carry
And practical coping skills to help you grow, heal, and move forward

What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?

Emotionally immature parents often struggle with self-regulation, empathy, and introspection. They may act impulsively, avoid emotional conversations, or expect their children to meet their needs—rather than the other way around.

While not always intentionally harmful, their lack of emotional depth and consistency creates lasting wounds in their children. You may have grown up feeling like your emotions didn’t matter—or were too much to handle.

The 4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Based on Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Understanding the kind of emotional immaturity your parent(s) exhibited can help you make sense of your unique childhood experience:

1. Emotional Parents

These parents are ruled by their own feelings and are often overwhelmed by anxiety, sadness, or anger. They may lean on their children for emotional support, which creates confusion around roles and responsibilities.

2. Driven Parents

Highly focused on success, appearance, or achievement, these parents often ignore emotional needs in favor of control and performance. You may have felt like your value depended on how well you behaved or performed.

3. Passive Parents

Avoidant and disconnected, passive parents rarely take initiative or provide emotional structure. They may fail to protect their children from toxic family dynamics, leaving you feeling unprotected or emotionally invisible.

4. Rejecting Parents

Harsh and dismissive, rejecting parents are often critical or cold. Emotional needs are met with annoyance or punishment, leading to deep-seated shame and emotional isolation.

The “Healing Fantasy”: Hoping They’ll Change

One of the most painful obstacles to healing is what Dr. Lindsay Gibson calls the "healing fantasy."

This is the deep, often unconscious belief that if you just do or say the right thing, your parent will finally “wake up,” realize how much they hurt you, and give you the love and validation you've always needed.

The healing fantasy sounds like:

“Maybe if I explain it better this time…”
“If I’m successful enough, they’ll finally respect me.”
“If I show them how much they hurt me, they’ll finally apologize.”

It’s a completely understandable wish. But in most cases, emotionally immature parents are not capable of the emotional growth or insight you’re hoping for—especially if they’ve never done their own work.

Letting go of this fantasy isn’t about giving up hope; it’s about reclaiming your power. When you stop waiting for them to change, you can finally start focusing on your own healing.

Signs You May Be the Adult Child of an Emotionally Immature Parent

You may relate to this experience if:

You struggle to trust your own emotions or instincts
You tend to people-please or avoid conflict
You feel responsible for others' emotional well-being
You carry guilt when setting boundaries
You still hope your parent will change—despite repeated patterns

6 Coping Skills to Help You Heal

Healing is not about fixing your parents—it’s about finding emotional safety within yourself. Here are six tools that can support you:

1. Validate Your Own Experience

Naming the truth of your childhood—without minimizing or justifying it—is essential. You’re not imagining it, and your feelings are valid.

2. Reconnect with Your Emotions

Start noticing how you feel throughout the day. Journaling, body scans, or simply labeling your emotions (“I feel sad” or “I feel overwhelmed”) can build emotional awareness.

3. Set and Uphold Boundaries

Boundaries are not about punishment—they’re about protection. You can love someone and still limit their access to your emotional world.

4. Do Inner Child Work

Reparenting involves tending to the emotional needs your caregivers couldn’t meet. This can include visualization, self-soothing practices, and gentle affirmations like, “You are safe now,” or “Your feelings matter.”

5. Build Emotionally Safe Relationships

Seek out people who are emotionally available, consistent, and kind. Your nervous system will thank you.

6. Consider Therapy as a Healing Space

Therapy gives you a confidential, compassionate space to explore your story, identify patterns, and create new ways of being. If you’re grieving the loss of the healing fantasy, therapy can help you process that pain with care.

You Deserve to Heal—Without Waiting for Them to Change

You don’t need your parent to change in order to move forward.

As a therapist, I help adult children of emotionally immature parents navigate grief, develop healthier boundaries, and rediscover who they are outside of family roles and expectations. If you’re ready to stop waiting for someone else to change—and start investing in your own healing—I’m here to support you.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

📞 Book a free 15-minute consultation
🌐 www.birdjoytherapy.com/contact
📍 In-person and virtual sessions available

Sabrina Anderson